There are very few pictures of my dad without a beard. It always took us hours to realize he had shaved it because he did so rarely. This is one of two pictures of him beardless I have in the scrapbook I made after he died 13 years ago.
I realized this morning that I had been thinking it was 12 years and that felt wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on why. It felt wrong because it was wrong and although being off by a year may not seem like a big deal, it feels huge to me. I lost a year of honoring my dad to postpartum depression. I cried so hard when I realized this and became so angry PPD took yet another thing from me. I don’t get my dad here with me in physical form so I do whatever I can to connect with him especially on the day he passed. To so clearly have missed that last year just broke me open. I realized how sick I was then and how desperately I needed my dad to hold me through those dark times. No matter how old we are, no matter what responsibilities we have including our own children, we are always our parents’ child. And sometimes all we need is to be able to step into that role of child and be parented. To cared for and nurtured. He never did this for me and @lisabk13 in any traditional ways but he did it in his own and that matters so much more.
As I watched my son play this morning, all I could think about was how he won’t get to know his grandfather. My son’s middle name is Richard after my dad. Not that he ever went by that name; he was Butch to everyone. I saw this as a way to connect little dude to his grandfather since he will only know my dad through the stories we tell him.
Little dude is super blessed to have his 3 other grandparents to grow up with, learn from, and be loved by. This matters so much to me but I am still sad for the loss of what my son won’t get to experience. Although PPD took last year, this year I am better and stronger for it and some of that strength is acknowledging how painful it is to not have my dad for me but also to not be able to share my dad with my son in the same way he will with his other grandparents.
#loss #remembering #missingyou #dads