Since I started working at 16, I’ve never had just one job. Ok, maybe I did for like a year, but usually it’s been 2-4 jobs at one time. Part of it was for money and part of it was to avoid my feelings. Being busy was my escape and in some ways still is. But busy with a 15 month old feels dramatically different from busy without a child. It’s much more exhausting in ways I never could have never expected. There feels like no down time is available unless you work really hard to make it. And even then it doesn’t always feel like down time.
Something I’m working on that having a child, especially a toddler, doesn’t foster.at.all is doing one thing at a time. I’ve been a multi-tasking maven and perfectionist with OCD probably my whole life. I used to see these qualities as things that made me someone who got the job done and done really well. I was praised for all I did and how fast I did it. Now I find that this way of doing things feeds anxiety and is wearing me down to my bones. I’ve known for a long time that these approaches aren’t healthy but knowing it and feeling it are two very different things. Now I feel it. I feel the need to be mindful of how I spend my time and who I give my energy to. This shift is asking me to listen to myself and not do things that I don’t want to do or to choose wisely when and how I do them.
Hello, self awareness. This is a new level of our relationship. You’re doing a great job of pushing me along this path. Note: I said pushing because I’ve been resisting this for a long time.
Having this level of self awareness and acting on it means I’m drawing new boundaries, sometimes disappointing people, and things not getting done at all or in the time frame I want. I am super uncomfortable with this but my options are run myself into the ground or be uncomfortable while I learn something new.
My soul may be unlimited but this body and mind have limits and the limits have been made known. I am not an unlimited resource and my goal right now is to get ok with that fact and live it because limits aren’t always bad. Sometimes they are for our greatest good.
#motherhood #workingmom#newwaysofthinking #newwaysofworking