Do, produce, and avoid

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When I was a kid, my equivalent to work was school. As a teenager I usually had two jobs at the same time. I started working full time when I was 18 and went to college part time. At one point I was employed full time, in school full time, and had a part time job. After graduating college, I was employed full time and had three part time jobs.

Obviously work doesn’t scare me. Having down time with me, myself and I did scare me so school and work became part the love of learning, part the need for validation, and part the escape from my life and myself.

Over the last few years, I got down to one job which wasn’t hard to do except for the fact that it opened up the door to truly participating in life and interacting with those in it that weren’t my clients. Early on in my shift to less work, it was a constant battle to not add more hours, more clients, or another job. I felt untethered, unsafe, and questioned my worth.

But I stuck with one job and began to cultivate a more well rounded life. I discovered there were many things I enjoyed doing that didn’t result in a paycheck. I found hanging out with friends and family regularly, not just for events, was fun. I got comfortable with having nothing to do sometimes and having the choice to not do anything or do something spontaneous. It took practice but eventually it all felt good.

When we decided to move and I found out I was pregnant, I made the choice to let my business go temporarily. I was going to focus on our home and have significant time off for the first time ever. I couldn’t go cold turkey on no work and being pregnant limited what I could do around our new home, so I had a few clients here and there but nothing substantial.

When the few clients didn’t feel like enough, I started to work on fine tuning and expanding my business. I would do this until my son’s birth. I saw his birth and the first few months postpartum as merely a pause and I would press play on my business before I knew it.

Looking back, I see how what I was doing did help to get my business ready to roll once I was settled but it was also a way for me to avoid myself and my feelings around our move and pregnancy. I was in touch with the happiness and excitement but there was also loss and worry. My life, my roles, and my identity were already changing and I was doing my best to steer clear of dealing with that by continuing to be busy in any way I could.

To say his birth wasn’t what we hoped for is a severe understatement and my time postpartum has been far from what I thought it would be. The thing is, although none of it is what I wanted, it has proven to be what I need.

Had his birth gone differently or my postpartum time been what I thought it might be, I’d still be trying to work in the same ways I used to. Everything going down the way that it has been a helpful change of course. I needed to be brought to my knees and given no choice but to reach out for help and truly receive it. I’ve been pushed to redefine self care and find new ways to practice it. Everything has encouraged me to find new communities that aren’t work related and put myself out there as me. Not Viki the Pilates instructor or former social worker. Just Viki.

David Elliott says “I am an employee of the Universe” and the first time I heard it, I only kind of sort of understood the concept. I hadn’t given the quote or its meaning much thought until recently when I began to question what I was doing with my life and all the changes ive been experiencing. I felt into it more after an energy healing session where I was asked to rethink “work.”

In my days since that session and remembering David’s words, it became clear to me that I am being asked to examine my definition of work andcquestion my relationship to it. I’m being nudged to also look at my relationships money, dependence/independence, self worth, scarcity, fear of abandonment and so much more.

In doing so I have become clear on what my work is in this lifetime. My work is to be. To be me just as I am. I am an employee of the Universe. I am here to honor the darkness and bring the light. I do this through my own healing and expansion. I do this while supporting clients on their journey and helping friends and family. I do this through raising my son.

 

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